Are You Raising Bratty Kids?
Jeffrey consulted with me because his three-year old son, Jason, was hitting and having temper tantrums. Jeffrey was mystified because he and his wife, Collette, had never hit or yelled at Jason. Jeffrey and Collette were very careful to respect Jasons feelings and needs and could not understand where he could have learned his disrespectful behavior.
Nothing they did stopped Jason from hitting and screaming when he didnt get his way. He was immune to the time-outs they continually gave him. He would apologize each time and say he would not do it again, but next time he didnt get his way, he would again hit and scream.
We worked on the problem on two different levels. First, I suggested that Jeffrey and Collette start to think in terms of negative consequences. Jason needed to know what the negative consequences were for his acting out. What privilege would he lose? What event would he be unable to attend?
That weekend, Jason was greatly looking forward to attending a birthday party for one of his cousins. But the morning of the birthday party, Jason hit Collette when she was trying to get him dressed. Collette firmly informed Jason that if he hit or screamed again, he would not get to go to the birthday party. As they were getting into the car to go to the party, Jason tested out his parents by again hitting Collette. Fortunately, Jeffrey and Collette followed through. They took Jason out of the car, gave him a time-out, and Collette went to the party without him.
Jason acted as if he didnt care about the party, but he hasnt hit either of his parents since that incident. They are gratified to see that he does have the impulse control to stop himself from hitting.
Next we worked on why Jason was behaving like a brat and where he could have learned this behavior.
There are many places a child can learn to hit and scream: pre-school, TV, neighbor children, parks, or other public places where kids might be hitting each other or parents might be hitting kids. There is probably no way in our society for children not to see this behavior. The real question was not where he learned it, but why was he doing it as a way of dealing with his frustration.
How do you and Collette deal with your frustration? I asked Jeffrey.
Collette often yells and I generally shut down, replied Jeffrey.
So neither of you is offering Jason role modeling regarding healthy ways of managing frustration?
I guess not. I guess we dont know how to do it either.
It is unrealistic for you to expect Jason to know respectful ways of managing frustration when you dont know how to do it. Part of your job as parents is to learn healthy ways of dealing with your own feelings so that Jason can naturally learn from you. What you are currently teaching Jason is to control with anger or withdrawal. He has learned from you and Collette that it is okay to try to get your way in ways that disrespect the other person. You, being his male role model, have the responsibility to learn to respond to Collettes anger in a way that takes loving care of yourself without disrespecting her. You ask Jason to use his words rather than hitting and screaming, but you are not using your words. Jason has learned to respond to Collettes controlling behavior with his own controlling behavior because you are not showing him a better way. If he does not want to give himself up or meekly withdraw, he has no other choice but to act like Collette and try to get his way. By allowing Collette to treat you disrespectfully, you are teaching Jason to do the same. By withdrawing, you are allowing both of them to be brats!
Jeffrey could clearly see that he needed to step up to the plate and learn to speak up for himself with Collette, and that both he and Collette needed to learn healthy ways of dealing with their frustration. In addition, they needed to be consistent regarding following through on the negative consequences that they stated would occur should Jason act out.
Both Jason and Collette worked hard on learning to manage their difficult feelings in healthy and respectful ways, and were very gratified to see Jason gradually becoming more respectful as well.
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You? and "Healing Your Aloneness." She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner bonding now! Visit her website for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.Vitamins Effect On Amoxicillin
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Nothing they did stopped Jason from hitting and screaming when he didnt get his way. He was immune to the time-outs they continually gave him. He would apologize each time and say he would not do it again, but next time he didnt get his way, he would again hit and scream.
We worked on the problem on two different levels. First, I suggested that Jeffrey and Collette start to think in terms of negative consequences. Jason needed to know what the negative consequences were for his acting out. What privilege would he lose? What event would he be unable to attend?
That weekend, Jason was greatly looking forward to attending a birthday party for one of his cousins. But the morning of the birthday party, Jason hit Collette when she was trying to get him dressed. Collette firmly informed Jason that if he hit or screamed again, he would not get to go to the birthday party. As they were getting into the car to go to the party, Jason tested out his parents by again hitting Collette. Fortunately, Jeffrey and Collette followed through. They took Jason out of the car, gave him a time-out, and Collette went to the party without him.
Jason acted as if he didnt care about the party, but he hasnt hit either of his parents since that incident. They are gratified to see that he does have the impulse control to stop himself from hitting.
Next we worked on why Jason was behaving like a brat and where he could have learned this behavior.
There are many places a child can learn to hit and scream: pre-school, TV, neighbor children, parks, or other public places where kids might be hitting each other or parents might be hitting kids. There is probably no way in our society for children not to see this behavior. The real question was not where he learned it, but why was he doing it as a way of dealing with his frustration.
How do you and Collette deal with your frustration? I asked Jeffrey.
Collette often yells and I generally shut down, replied Jeffrey.
So neither of you is offering Jason role modeling regarding healthy ways of managing frustration?
I guess not. I guess we dont know how to do it either.
It is unrealistic for you to expect Jason to know respectful ways of managing frustration when you dont know how to do it. Part of your job as parents is to learn healthy ways of dealing with your own feelings so that Jason can naturally learn from you. What you are currently teaching Jason is to control with anger or withdrawal. He has learned from you and Collette that it is okay to try to get your way in ways that disrespect the other person. You, being his male role model, have the responsibility to learn to respond to Collettes anger in a way that takes loving care of yourself without disrespecting her. You ask Jason to use his words rather than hitting and screaming, but you are not using your words. Jason has learned to respond to Collettes controlling behavior with his own controlling behavior because you are not showing him a better way. If he does not want to give himself up or meekly withdraw, he has no other choice but to act like Collette and try to get his way. By allowing Collette to treat you disrespectfully, you are teaching Jason to do the same. By withdrawing, you are allowing both of them to be brats!
Jeffrey could clearly see that he needed to step up to the plate and learn to speak up for himself with Collette, and that both he and Collette needed to learn healthy ways of dealing with their frustration. In addition, they needed to be consistent regarding following through on the negative consequences that they stated would occur should Jason act out.
Both Jason and Collette worked hard on learning to manage their difficult feelings in healthy and respectful ways, and were very gratified to see Jason gradually becoming more respectful as well.
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You? and "Healing Your Aloneness." She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner bonding now! Visit her website for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.Vitamins Effect On Amoxicillin
Crystal Lake Il Restaurant
Career Career Fashion In Industry Opportunity Opportunity
Science Et Technologie
Houston In Massage School Therapy
Gucci Shoes Womens Shoes
Steelers Football Card
Event Ticket Atlanta
Ontario Junior C Hockey
Im A Believer
Airline Amsterdam Cheap Find Flight Flight Hotel Hotel Ticket
Malignant Pericardial Mesotheloma Asbestos Montana
Course Florida Golf In Orlando
Costume Links
215 Cooking Eastern Healthy Inspired Mediterranean Recipe Vibrant
101 Along Dalmatians Sing Song
Texas Dept Insurance
Conversion Free Free Pdf Software Ware Word
Buy Funeral Flower
Austin Automobile Company Lease Tx
06 Cup Soccer World
Haunted Mansion Ride And Disney World
007 Box Set
Katy State Texas United
1 Furniture Kid Pier Pier
Florida Nursing Home Negligence Lawyer
Investments
Child Jewelry Religious
1500 Every Global Unstoppable Warming Years
Echo Line Trimmer
019 Blank Editor Gt Myspace Myspace Quot Quot Quot Target Thomas V3
Images Of Indian Tennis Player Sania Mirza
0 Fitness Life T3
Adopt Police Dog
Badge Constructions Queensland
0 Post Washington
Boyfriend I Layout Love Myspace
Modern Lamp
2 Currency Forex Learn Online Trading
Los Angeles Cosmetic Dental
1 Tag Fur Verliebte
Financial Personal Planning Workbook
Zep 40
2 Brokeback Fur Mountain Trader
Free Phone Ringtone Verizon Wireless
Cbs 58
Cri Carpet And Rug Institute
Homework Help Sites
1 8 In Pet Product
Benchrest Rifle Stock
Toast Master
Britney Spears Mtv Music Award
Club In Music Night Toronto
Earring Opal Silver
Battle Robot
Mexican Chicken Recipes
Footprint Guide Handbook Mexico Travel
10 Fast Food Restaurant Top
Hotel
Bed Breakfast Cleveland Tennessee
Fly Fishing Pictures
49er Drive In
2008 Challenger Pic
1 Answering Answering General Historical Jesus Jesus Jewish Jewish Objection Objection Objection Vol
Reuters Forex
Defensive Driving In Texas
Rockport Kid Shoes
Kuala Lumpur Malaysia Miti
Crm
In Minnesota Mortgage Refinance
Downtown Long Beach Apartment
Diego Internet Marketing San Strategy
Association Interactive Marketing
Backyard Driving Range
Lawn Care
Ivory Earrings
Tennis
England Land Registry
Sol Duc Hot Springs
Waterproof Mattress Pad
Belgian Hot Chocolate
Bonfante Garden In Gilroy
06 Crystal Ice
Sunday School Supplies
Snack Soda Combo Vending Machine
Mobil Oil Company
Child Horse Sleeping Bag
Plus Size Wedding Dress
10 Lcd Television Top
Georgia Home Island Jekyll Sale
M4m Massages
Baby R Us Store Hours
Active Arizona Community Retirement
Calculator Loan Mortgage Rate Subprime
1 10 Rc Cars
06 2005 Hockey League National Nhl Official Official Rule Rule
Driving In Job Scotland
Cheapest Flight To Dublin
Pigeon Forge Cabin With Indoor Pool
Picture Of Cingular Cell Phone
Condo Rentals Destin Rental
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County In Open Orange Restaurant Thanksgiving
Bag
Shaft Calculations
Canada Gear Ski Snow Whistler
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Hiking
Realestate
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